The Enormous Room Read online

  A little room. The Directeur’s office? Or the Surveillant’s? Comfort. O yes,very very comfortable. On my right a table. At the table three persons. Reminds me of Noyon a bit,not unpleasantly of course. Three persons : reading from left to right as I face them—a soggy sleepy slumpy lump in a gendarme’s cape and cap,quite old,captain of gendarmes,not at all interested,wrinkled coarse face,only semi-méchant,large hard clumsy hands floppingly disposed on table;wily tidy man in civilian clothes,pen in hand,obviously lawyer,avocat type,little bald on top,sneaky civility,smells of bad perfume or at any rate sweetish soap;tiny red-headed person,also civilian,creased worrying excited face,amusing little body and hands,brief and jumpy,must be a Dickens character,ought to spend his time sailing kites of his own construction over other people’s houses in gusty weather. Behind the Three,all tied up with deference and inferiority,mild and spineless,Apollyon.

  Would the reader like to know what I was asked?

  Ah,would I could say! Only dimly do I remember those moments—only dimly do I remember looking through the lawyer at Apollyon’s clean collar—only dimly do I remember the gradual collapse of the capitaine de gendarmerie,his slow but sure assumption of sleepfulness,the drooping of his soggy tête de cochon lower and lower till it encountered one hand whose elbow,braced firmly upon the table,sustained its insensate limpness—only dimly do I remember the enthusiastic antics of the little red-head when I spoke with patriotic fervor of the wrongs which La France was doing mon ami et moi—only dimly do I remember,to my right,the immobility of the Wooden Hand,reminding one of a clothing-dummy,or a life-size doll which might be made to move only by him who knew the proper combination...At the outset I was asked : Did I want a translator? I looked and saw the secrétaire,weak-eyed and lemon-pale,and I said “Non.” I was questioned mostly by the the avocat,somewhat by the Dickens,never by either the captain( who was asleep )or the Directeur( who was timid in the presence of these great and good delegates of hope faith and charity per the French government ). I recall that,for some reason,I was perfectly cool. I put over six or eight hot shots without losing in the least this composure,which surprised myself and pleased myself and altogether increased myself. As the questions came for me I met them half-way,spouting my best or worst French in a manner which positively astonished the tiny red-headed demigod. I challenged with my eyes and with my voice and with my manner Apollyon Himself,and Apollyon Himself merely cuddled together,depressing his hairy body between its limbs as a spider sometimes does in the presence of danger. I expressed immense gratitude to my captors and to le gouvernement français for allowing me to see and hear and smell and touch the things which inhabited La Ferté-Macé,Orne,France. I do not think that la commission enjoyed me much. It told me,through its sweetish-soap-leader,that my friend was a criminal—this immediately upon my entering—and I told it with a great deal of well-chosen politeness that I disagreed. In telling how and why I disagreed I think I managed to shove my shovel-shaped imagination under the refuse of their intellects. At least once or twice.

  Rather fatiguing—to stand up and be told : Your friend is no good;have you anything to say for yourself?—And to say a great deal for yourself and for your friend and for les hommes—or try your best to—and be contradicted,and be told “Never mind that,what we wish to know is” and instructed to keep to the subject;et cetera,ad infinitum. At last they asked each other if each other wanted to ask the man before each other anything more,and each other not wanting to do so,they said

  “C’est fini.”

  As at Noyon,I had made an indisputably favorable impression upon exactly one of my three examiners. I refer,in the present case,to the red-headed little gentleman who was rather decent to me. I do not exactly salute him in recognition of this decency;I bow to him,as I might bow to somebody who said he was sorry he couldn’t give me a match but there was a cigar-store just around the corner you know.

  At “C’est fini” the Directeur leaped into the lime-light with a savage admonition to the Wooden Hand—who saluted,opened the door suddenly,and looked at me with( dare I say it? )admiration. Instead of availing myself of this means of escape I turned to the little kite-flying gentleman and said

  “If you please,sir,will you be so good as to tell me what will become of my friend?”

  The little kite-flying gentleman did not have time to reply,for the perfumed presence stated drily and distinctly

  “We cannot say anything to you upon that point.”

  I gave him a pleasant smile which said,If I could see your intestines very slowly embracing a large wooden drum rotated by means of a small iron crank turned gently and softly by myself,I should be extraordinarily happy—and I bowed softly and gently to Monsieur le Directeur and I went through the door using all the perpendicular inches which God had given me.

  Once outside I began to tremble like a peuplier in l’automne... “L’automne humide et monotone”

  —“Allez en bas,pour la soupe” the Wooden Hand said not unkindly. I looked about me. “There will be no more men before the commission until tomorrow” the Wooden Hand said. “Go get your dinner in the kitchen.”

  I descended.

  Afrique was all curiosity—what did they say? what did I say?—as he placed before me a huge,a perfectly huge,an inexcusably huge plate of something more than luke-warm grease...B and I ate at a very little table in la cuisine,excitedly comparing notes as we swallowed the red-hot stuff...“Du pain;prenez,mes amis” Afrique said. “Mangez comme vous voulez” the Cook quoth benignantly,with a glance at us over his placid shoulder...Eat we most surely did. We could have eaten the French government.

  The morning of the following day we went on promenade once more. It was neither pleasant nor unpleasant to promenade in the cour while somebody else was suffering in the Room of Sorrow. It was,in fact,rather thrilling.

  The afternoon of this day we were all up in The Enormous Room when la commission suddenly entered with Apollyon strutting and lisping behind it,explaining,and poopoohing,and graciously waving his thick wicked arms.

  Everyone in The Enormous Room leaped to his feet,removing as he did so his hat—with the exception of les deux améri­cains,who kept theirs on,and The Zulu,who couldn’t find his hat and had been trying for some time to stalk it to its lair. La commission reacted interestingly to The Enormous Room : the captain of gendarmes looked soggily around and saw nothing with a good deal of contempt;the scented soap squinted up his face and said “Faugh” or whatever a French bourgeois avocat says in the presence of a bad smell( la commission was standing by the door and consequently close to the cabinet );but the little red-head kite-­flying gentleman looked actually horrified.

  “Is there in the room anyone of Austrian nationality?”

  The Silent Man stepped forward quietly.

  “Why are you here?”

  “I don’t know” The Silent Man said,with tears in his eyes.

  “NONSENSE! You’re here for a very good reason and you know what it is and you could tell it if you wished you imbecile,you incorrigible,you criminal” Apollyon shouted;then,turning to the avocat and the red-headed little gentleman,“He is a dangerous alien,he admits it,he has admitted it—DON’T YOU ADMIT IT,EH? EH?” He roared at The Silent Man,who fingered his black cap without raising his eyes or changing in the least the simple and supreme dignity of his poise. “He is incorrigible” said( in a low snarl )the Directeur. “Let us go,gentlemen,when you have seen enough.” But the red-headed man,as I recollect,was contemplating the floor by the door,where six pails of urine solemnly stood,three of them having overflowed slightly from time to time upon the reeking planks...And the Directeur was told that les hommes should have a tin trough to urinate into,for the sake of sanitation;and that this trough should be immediately installed,installed without delay—“O yes indeed sirs” Apollyon simpered “a very good suggestion;it shall be done immediately : yes indeed. Do let me show you the—it’s just outside—” and he bowed them out with no litt
le skill. And the door SLAMMED behind Apollyon and the Three Wise Men.

  This,as I say,must have occurred toward the last of November.

  For a week we waited.

  Jan had already left us. Fritz,having waited months for a letter from the Danish consul in reply to the letters which he,Fritz,wrote every so often and sent through le bureau—meaning the secrétaire—had managed to get news of his whereabouts to said consul by unlawful means;and was immediately,upon reception of this news by the consul,set free and invited to join a ship at the nearest port. His departure( than which a more joyous I have never witnessed )has been already mentioned in connection with the third Delectable Mountain,as has been the departure for Précigné of Pompom and Harree ensemble. Bill The Hollander,Monsieur Pet-airs,Mexique,The Wanderer,the little Machine-Fixer,Pete,Jean Le Nègre,The Zulu and Monsieur Auguste( second time )were some of our remaining friends who passed the commission with us. Along with ourselves and these fine people were judged gentlemen like The Trick Raincoat and The Fighting Sheeney. One would think,possibly,that Justice—in the guise of the Three Wise Men—would have decreed different fates,to( say )The Wanderer and The Fighting Sheeney. Au contraire. As I have previously remarked,the ways of God and of the good and great French government are alike inscrutable.

  Bill The Hollander,whom we had grown to like whereas at first we were inclined to fear him,Bill The Hollander who washed some towels and handkerchiefs and what-nots for us and turned them a bright pink,Bill The Hollander who had tried so hard to teach The Young Pole the lesson which he could only learn from The Fighting Sheeney,left us about a week after la commission. As I understand it,they decided to send him back to Holland under guard in order that he might be jailed in his native land as a deserter. It is beautiful to consider the unselfishness of le gouvernement français in this case. Much as le gouvernement français would have liked to have punished Bill on its own account and for its own enjoyment,it gave him up—with a Christian smile—to the punishing clutches of a sister or brother government : without a murmur denying itself the incense of his sufferings and the music of his sorrows. Then too it is really inspiring to note the perfect collaboration of la justice français and la justice hollandaise in a critical moment of the world’s history. Bill certainly should feel that it was a great honour to be allowed to exemplify this wonderful accord,this exquisite mutual understanding,between the punitive departments of two nations superficially somewhat unrelated—that is,as regards customs and language. I fear Bill didn’t appreciate the intrinsic usefulness of his destiny. I seem to remember that he left in a rather Gottverdummerish condition. Such is ignorance.

  Poor Monsieur Pet-airs came out of the commission looking extraordinarily épaté. Questioned,he averred that his penchant for inventing force-pumps had prejudiced ces messieurs in his disfavor;and shook his poor old head and sniffed hopelessly. Mexique exited in a placidly cheerful condition,shrugging his shoulders and remarking

  The Young Skipper’s Mate

  “I no do nut’ing. Dese fellers tell me wait few days,after you go free”,whereas Pete looked white and determined and said little—except in Dutch to The Young Skipper and his mate;which pair took la commission more or less as a healthy bull-calf takes nourishment : there was little doubt that they would refind la liberté in a short while,judging from the inability of the Three Wise Men to prove them even suspicious characters. The Zulu uttered a few inscrutable gestures made entirely of silence and said he would like us to celebrate the accomplishment of this ordeal by buying ourselves and himself a good fat cheese apiece—his friend The Young Pole looked as if said ordeal had scared the life out of him temporarily;he was unable to say whether or no he and “mon ami” would leave us : la commission had adopted,in the case of these twain,an awe-inspiring taciturnity. Jean Le Nègre,who was one of the last to pass,had had a tremendously exciting time,due to the fact that le gouvernement française’s polished tools had failed to scratch his mystery either in French or English—he came dancing and singing toward us;then,suddenly suppressing every vestige of emotion,solemnly extended for our approval a small scrap of paper on which was written

  CALAIS

  remarking : “Qu’est-ce que ça veut dire?”—and when we read the word for him,“m’en vais à Calais,moi,travailler à Calais,très bon!”—with a jump and a shout of laughter pocketing the scrap and beginning the Song of Songs

  “après la guerre finit...”

  A trio which had been hit and hard hit by the Three Wise Men were or was The Wanderer and the Machine-Fixer and Monsieur Auguste—the former having been insulted in respect to Chocolat’s mother( who also occupied the witness-stand )and having retaliated,as nearly as we could discover,with a few remarks straight from the shoulder à propos Justice( O Wanderer,did you expect honour among the honourable? );the Machine-Fixer having been told to shut up in the midst of a passionate plea for mercy,or at least fair-play,if not in his own case in the case of the wife who was crazed by his absence;Monsieur Auguste having been asked( as he had been asked three months before by the honourable commissioners )Why did you not return to Russia with your wife and your child at the outbreak of the war?—and having replied,with tears in his eyes and that gentle ferocity of which he was occasionally capable,

  “Par-ce-que je n’en a-vais pas les moy-ens. Je ne suis pas un million-naire,mes-sieurs.”

  The Babysnatcher,The Trick Raincoat,The Messenger Boy,The Fighting Sheeney and similar gentry passed the commission without the slightest apparent effect upon their disagreeable personalities.

  It was not long after Bill The Hollander’s departure that we lost two Delectable Mountains in The Wanderer and Surplice. Remained The Zulu and Jean Le Nègre...B and I spent most of our time when on promenade collecting rather beautifully hued leaves in la cour. These leaves we inserted in one of my note-books,along with all the colours which we could find on cigarette-boxes chocolate-wrappers labels of various sorts and even postage-stamps.( We got a very brilliant red from a certain piece of cloth. )Our efforts puzzled everyone( including the plantons )more than considerably;which was natural,considering that everyone did not know that by this exceedingly simple means we were effecting a study of colour itself,in relation to what is popularly called “abstract” and sometimes “non-­representative” painting. Despite their natural puzzlement everyone( plantons excepted )was extraordinarily kind and brought us often valuable additions to our chromatic collection. Had I,at this moment and in the city of New York,the complete confidence of one twentieth as many human beings I should not be so inclined to consider The Great American Public as the most aesthetically incapable organization ever created for the purpose of perpetuating defunct ideals and ideas. But of course The Great American Public has a handicap which my friends at La Ferté did not as a rule have—education. Let no one sound his indignant yawp at this. I refer to the fact that,for an educated gent or lady,to create is first of all to destroy—that there is and can be no such thing as authentic art until the bons trucs( whereby we are taught to see and imitate on canvas and in stone and by words this so-called world )are entirely and thoroughly and perfectly annihilated by that vast and painful process of Unthinking which may result in a minute bit of purely personal Feeling. Which minute bit is Art.

  Ah well,the revolution—I refer of course to the intelligent revolution—is on the way;is perhaps nearer than some think is possibly knocking at the front doors of The Great Mister Harold Bell Wright and The Great Little Miss Polyanna. In the course of the next ten thousand years it may be possible to find Delectable Mountains without going to prison—captivity I mean,Monsieur le Surveillant—it may be possible,I dare say,to encounter Delectable Mountains who are not in prison...

  The autumn wore on.

  Rain did,from time to time,not fall : from time to time a sort of unhealthy almost-light leaked from the large uncrisp corpse of the sky,returning for a moment to our view the ruined landscape. From time to t
ime the eye,traveling carefully with a certain disagreeable suddenly fear no longer distances of air coldish and sweet,stopped upon the incredible nearness of the desolate without motion autumn. Awkward and solemn clearness,making louder the unnecessary cries,the hoarse laughter,of the invisible harlots in their muddy yard,pointing a cool actual finger at the silly and ferocious group of manshaped beings huddled in the mud under four or five little trees,came strangely in my own mind pleasantly to suggest the ludicrous and hideous and beautiful antics of the insane. Frequently I would discover so perfect a command over myself as to easily reduce la promenade to a recently invented mechanism;or to the demonstration of a collection of vivid and unlovely toys around and around which,guarding them with impossible heroism,funnily moved purely unreal plantons,always absurdly marching,the maimed and stupid dolls of my imagination. Once I was sitting alone on the long beam of silent iron and suddenly had the gradual complete unique experience of death...

  It became amazingly cold.

  One evening B and myself and I think it was the Machine-Fixer were partaking of the warmth of a bougie hard by and in fact between our ambulance beds,when the door opened,a planton entered,and a list of names( none of which we recognized )was hurriedly read off with( as in the case of the last partis including The Wanderer and Surplice )the admonition

  “Soyez prêts partir demain matin de bonne heure”

  —and the door shut loudly and quickly. Now one of the names which had been called sounded somewhat like “Broom”,and a strange inquietude seized us on this account. Could it possibly have been “Brown”? We made inquiries of certain of our friends who had been nearer the planton than ourselves. We were told that Pete and The Trick Raincoat and The Fighting Sheeney and Rockyfeller were leaving—about “Brown” nobody was able to enlighten us. Not that opinions in this matter were lacking. There were plenty of opinions—but they contradicted each other to a painful extent. Les hommes were in fact about equally divided;half considering that the occult sound had been intended for “Brown”,half that the somewhat asthmatic planton had unwittingly uttered a spontaneous grunt or sigh,which sigh or grunt we had mistaken for a proper noun. Our uncertainty was augmented by the confusion emanating from a particular corner of The Enormous Room,in which corner The Fighting Sheeney was haranguing a group of spectators on the pregnant topic : What I won’t do to Précigné when I get there. In deep converse with Bathhouse John we beheld the very same youth who,some time since,had drifted to a place beside me at la soupe—Pete The Ghost,white and determined,blond and fragile : Pete The Shadow...